“Just tell me what to do.”

This is probably what most people coming through my door want to say to me plainly. Whether you are battling depression, social anxiety, or body-focused, repetitive behaviors (BFRBs), the wish for straightforward solutions is completely understandable. The problem is not just that answers tend to be more complicated, it’s that straight up answers also tend to be insufficient. It’s easy to answer “what to do” in the case of BFRBs: be vulnerable, get more comfortable with what you don’t know, and practice acceptance, self-compassion, boundaries, and curiosity broadly. But now what do you do with that?

I do believe in the above prescription, but listing the items does little to get you closer to adopting any of them. This is because intellectual knowledge can’t take the place of actual transformation. It is not enough to simply be able to name the problem or the solution. When someone repeatedly asks me “what to do” or “how to stop” their BFRB, it usually comes from a place that wants to bypass all of the uncomfortable parts. They feel the need to be on the other side already, and haven’t learned to bear struggle. They desire change without the confrontation that comes from changing.  I don’t blame anyone for this, but commitment of time and money in the face of uncertainty, the uncovering of painful truths, the awkwardness of a new and unique relationship, and the vulnerability of being seen as less than perfect ARE the work. Going through the therapeutic process as intended matters. Forming a relationship - with yourself and with me - in which you are opened up to feel without any guarantees about outcomes is a living example and cultivation of the path through.

Quick answers from a manual or book instead are only going to preserve the same conditions that have you picking, pulling, or biting to begin with. They offer fantasies of perfect predictability and control within a closed system that are comforting but doomed to disappoint again and again. Conceptual awareness can help you to recognize when a problem is occurring, but doesn’t supply the tools to get you out of it. (Example: recognizing when you’re feeling jealous doesn’t magically make your jealous feelings go away). This is why tracking logs often frustrate clients similarly. Being able to identify the moments you are picking/pulling/biting (e.g. 10 pm, level 4 urge, in front of a computer) is not enough to stop them. Tracking logs can be completed like an academic exercise without developing your patience, trust, or intuition. Facts and information are a start, but buying into the notion that they can be everything will leave you ill equipped and feeling like a constant failure.

Knowledge of a thing doesn’t equal command over it, and does control need to be our primary objective anyhow? Can we stand opening ourselves up to more than our mental activity?