I once read this post which addressed our common observation that children are able to survive even situations of severe abuse. This post challenged, however, “Why is this our baseline?” Is that all we want for our children...? To merely be able to survive…?
I think we too often glorify the resilience of people, and that can come at our detriment. As a society, I think we’ve developed this ego about our ability to “survive.” And survival needs to be inextricably embedded in the context. There is a real place for survival, and often in the world of psychology, this comes up in situations of real deprivation and trauma. However, I think these attitudes become dangerous when they outsurvive their original contexts and persist in situations of expanded possibilities.
When we come from places of trauma, our security is threatened and so security becomes the primary preoccupation. When the ground we stand upon is crumbling beneath us and we know no other place to go, we begin frantically trying to glue or stitch our splitting foundation back together. Imagine days and days, years and years of having to live in this constant hypervigilant, paranoid, reactive state… and then one day being dropped into a place where the ground splits apart only once a year. This gives us windows of being able to relax, and even prepare for breakdown. We are grateful. But having to rebuild your home once a year is still a HUGE burden. And someone who comes from trauma has an extremely difficult time acting in response to what they could have because they are still internally reacting to what they haven’t had. This often shows up as all those times we remain in jobs, relationships, living situations, etc. despite objections because “the job still has good benefits...” and “we could leave him/her but what if we can’t find better…?” It’s muddled with all these doubts and judgments about what other people would be grateful for, and how we’re “expecting too much” or “being greedy and unrealistic.” Paired with our increased tolerance for suboptimal conditions, we swallow that bad haircut, that our roommate ate our leftovers, that our foot really does hurt, that our evaluation has been delayed an extra six months, and that our parents forgot to ask how our presentation went. We are always more keenly aware of the dropping floor than expansive ceiling. Of what we stand to lose than what we stand to gain. Not to mention, we "can deal with it.”
As often noted, surviving is distinct from thriving and when we are oriented towards survival, we are always looking down not up. We are always keeping an eye on our ground - for where all the gaps, breaks, and fault lines are and not towards the sky for a rescue prince or Cloud Nine. Having to be preoccupied with safety interferes with our openness to fantasy. In healthy development, you get to exist and expect the environment to respond to you. Not the other way around. But in many cases of trauma, you are having to mold yourself to the environment and cannot expect the environment to adapt to you. Your wants, needs, and expectations do not exist independently anymore, but are carefully formed around what you’ve reasoned is feasible to have.
When resources have been scarce or unreliable, you then become invested in your ability to not need, not feel, not ache, not get. It is not that this damaged person loses their sense of worth. Their worth - rather than being inborn - gets derived from their ability to be OK with less and less. Self-abnegation becomes their identified power. (Psychologist Andre Green refers to this kind of drive for self-annihilation as "negative narcissism"). They turn their ability to take nothing into a source of pride when, in truth, to have nothing is sad.
Beyond judgments about what is or is not sad, the problem is that this leaves us vulnerable to mistreatment. Let’s say you are in a relationship where your partner routinely fails to set plans with you and takes days to return your calls. Someone with a trauma/survival-based mind believes in the necessity or utility of tolerating discomfort. Hence, the issue is not with the partner, it is with YOU for having a reaction. You should be able to go days without hearing from him. You are too needy and should learn to be more flexible and comfortable with distance... He is the best you've ever had. Now perhaps you are able to hear how this thinking becomes dangerous, particularly when the circumstances allow for healthier strivings. People who are chronically concerned with “worse” are often problematically discouraged from seeking “better.” They are caught up with the fact that they have someone, period, and so are inclined to distort the things that aren't feeling good into supposed opportunities to toughen their character.
A person who is able to orient toward thriving would have greater ability to pursue their dreams before “fixing” their expectations. This person would be able to appreciate (1) that they are being overlooked, and (2) that they don't have to force this specific, relational fit. Given these two factors, they could feel confident in delivering a swift “Hell no!” to their partner. Being able to pursue greener pastures requires first that one is able to imagine greener pastures. But for many (our survival-oriented folks), living in some la la land of greener pastures sounds stupid. They believe learning to live off the dirt around you is sound. And it is sound... in a drought. But when the pastures are fecund and everyone else is enjoying full meals and you are still [insisting on] subsisting off of dirt, you are not taking care of yourself. You are depriving yourself disadvantageously.
Please be mindful of how you reinforce yourself to not need because of its adaptive appeal. The more we keep adjusting down our standards, the more open we leave ourselves open to accepting nothingness. Nurture your capacity to feel safer so that you can protect your ability to dream. Only then can be we strong enough to keep shooting for fulfilling situations that we may not yet know.
* NOTE: I do not presume in this article that traumas refer only to distinct events. I believe that any situation that involves having to get used to negative or uncomfortable terms can be impactful, lasting, and traumatic.